I’ve been out of contact for a while; I have been struggling with the Christmas preparations and the run up to today, 11th January 2011 and I chose not to beat myself up for not writing any blog entries. (I’m practising self-compassion –more about that in future blog entries). Hope Christmas was a joyous one for you and here’s to a Happy New Year! May 2011 bring you contentment.
…so I find myself writing my blog in a less than upbeat mood. At 4.30pm this afternoon I left for good the Hospice where I have volunteered and worked for seven years. I am leaving behind a hugely important part of my life; I have been witness to so much sadness and despair and also the green shoots of recovery and hope from the darkest of places. I have been inspired by the courage of those I have worked with and their ripples of influence continue with me, shaping my living perhaps in ways they could not envision. Why would I choose to leave? Well, because intuitively I feel called to work in a different direction. Yet on paper it looks a bizarre decision. Giving up a salaried job in this economic climate? Leaving behind a supportive network of colleagues… Have I finally lost the plot? In making the decision to leave I’m sad and scared; I don’t know what the future will hold and I don’t know whether I will be able to manage financially; fear is gripping my heart really tight as I write this.
And yet, I’m opening to the pain, I’m breathing into it and allowing it to be. I know it will pass. In saying goodbye, in closing one chapter, there is sadness in the letting go and fear in the uncertainty of the transition into something new. Being mindful does not only involve being open to the joy and beauty in day to day living it involves opening to pain, loneliness, anxiety and in allowing those emotions and feelings to be present I am trusting that by not resisting them they will dissolve (what you resist, persists right?!).
So in a spirit of more loving-kindness to myself I am going to have a glass of very good wine, I’m going to cry a little more and then go to bed to get some sleep. And as Scarlett O’Hara says ‘Tomorrow is another day’.